Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Random Thoughts While Stuck In An Elevator (Circa 2006)

Upon getting stuck in an elevator, the first thing that usually comes to mind is similar to those old Elio's pizza commercials. Just imagine your brain going "blub- blub."

I believe that was literally happening to security when I rang them up. They asked what the emergency was. I felt "guy who really should have taken high school a bit more seriously and gone to college" may have been a bit too much, and besides my life free falling faster than the elevator I was on wasn't really the emergency anyway.

The only logical answer to "Which elevator are you on?" I could think of was "The one not moving." Besides, I haven't named elevators in years anyway. I was then told security was on the way.

The panel where the call button is does have a sign that says "When light is flashing, help is on the way" So to see it flashing almost immediately was a bit soothing.

I began to think about my commute to work that day. What the hell has happened to the Orange line? At one point an 8 foot man sat next to me, and smoothly pulled out a lap sized velvet board, 3 red bottle caps, and what I believe was a red cereal berry found in Capn' Crunch brand Crunch Berries. I believe it was much too big to be a fruity pebble. He began furiously shuffling the soda caps around and every time he asked someone to pick, they'd always get it right.

I almost felt ripped off at the fact nobody was getting ripped off. The only plausible scenario I could think of was the added bonus to beating this man was probably having one of those caps being good for a free soda. I even walked off the train with all of my belongings still in my pockets. I also walked into a scrappy looking Malden bound man with a pit bull wearing a big white muzzle. The man looked a little angry that I had gotten off the train before he was able to get on, and tugged on his leash to remind me he had a pit bull. I really wanted to tell him the thug card doesn't work, when your pit bull is muzzled. He just goes back to being cute again trying to fight it off his snout. I also wanted to tell him if he had any other thug cards kicking around, there was a man shuffling bottle caps inside the car in dire need of a new format for his game.

I just remember a time when you would walk out off of the orange line covered in your urine as well as whoever else's you had sat in, not just whoever's you had sat in. But there I go remembering the 90s. You know, that decade that snuck by when we were remembering the 80's?

I hummed a few bars of Aerosmith's "Love In An Elevator" but thought "Stuck in an elevator..... blah doo da blah blah get me the fuck out of here." were better lyrics.

5 minutes had gone by and I was beginning to get really hot in the elevator, as I had been bundled up for the day. I at least had the small TV screen in this elevator and enjoyed reading the news flash by as quick as the "Micro Machine" guys mouth.

There was more talk about banning gay marriage in the state. I gotta say though, I think the wave of conservative politicians and religious right who had recently been outed due to misconduct were probably being vilified for the wrong reasons. Sure they were snakes condemning people in a vile way and sure they were self loathing phony pieces of shit helping to set back like minded people who just want the right to divorce like everyone else. But I think I understand them now. They are only human. More importantly, they are men. They don't want to get married. They are conservatives and remember a time when marriage was between a man and a woman and when you were a permanent bachelor, it meant permanent. Who really wants the party to end? I can see the classic movie scenario of the girl with her arms crossed looking impatiently and sternly at her significant other; "Well are you gonna pop the question?" I cant even imagine being one of those poor bastards looking at a guy who could probably kick the shit out of them giving them a similar look.

Right around this time, I noticed the light had stopped flashing. Had they given up hope for me? Had they exhausted all their efforts into ever finding me alive? Had it really only been 7 minutes?

Like a modern baby Jessica in a well who refused to give in, I pressed that bell again, to assure them to not bother notifying my parents that I had died. I was going to make it! Someday at least. Only this time, I was again asked what the emergency was.

I figured "Human being trapped in a fucking elevator. "would have been good enough the first time.

Luckily seconds after this second attempt I felt the elevator finally moving towards the ground floor. I radioed into him that I was moving.

"Oh yeah, sorry about that. We had that elevator on hold for some reason."

Blub blub blub........

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