Random Thoughts While Stuck In An Elevator (Circa 2006)

Upon getting stuck in an elevator, the first thing that usually comes to mind is similar to those old Elio's pizza commercials. Just imagine your brain going "blub- blub."

I believe that was literally happening to security when I rang them up. They asked what the emergency was. I felt "guy who really should have taken high school a bit more seriously and gone to college" may have been a bit too much, and besides my life free falling faster than the elevator I was on wasn't really the emergency anyway.

The only logical answer to "Which elevator are you on?" I could think of was "The one not moving." Besides, I haven't named elevators in years anyway. I was then told security was on the way.

The panel where the call button is does have a sign that says "When light is flashing, help is on the way" So to see it flashing almost immediately was a bit soothing.

I began to think about my commute to work that day. What the hell has happened to the Orange line? At one point an 8 foot man sat next to me, and smoothly pulled out a lap sized velvet board, 3 red bottle caps, and what I believe was a red cereal berry found in Capn' Crunch brand Crunch Berries. I believe it was much too big to be a fruity pebble. He began furiously shuffling the soda caps around and every time he asked someone to pick, they'd always get it right.

I almost felt ripped off at the fact nobody was getting ripped off. The only plausible scenario I could think of was the added bonus to beating this man was probably having one of those caps being good for a free soda. I even walked off the train with all of my belongings still in my pockets. I also walked into a scrappy looking Malden bound man with a pit bull wearing a big white muzzle. The man looked a little angry that I had gotten off the train before he was able to get on, and tugged on his leash to remind me he had a pit bull. I really wanted to tell him the thug card doesn't work, when your pit bull is muzzled. He just goes back to being cute again trying to fight it off his snout. I also wanted to tell him if he had any other thug cards kicking around, there was a man shuffling bottle caps inside the car in dire need of a new format for his game.

I just remember a time when you would walk out off of the orange line covered in your urine as well as whoever else's you had sat in, not just whoever's you had sat in. But there I go remembering the 90s. You know, that decade that snuck by when we were remembering the 80's?

I hummed a few bars of Aerosmith's "Love In An Elevator" but thought "Stuck in an elevator..... blah doo da blah blah get me the fuck out of here." were better lyrics.

5 minutes had gone by and I was beginning to get really hot in the elevator, as I had been bundled up for the day. I at least had the small TV screen in this elevator and enjoyed reading the news flash by as quick as the "Micro Machine" guys mouth.

There was more talk about banning gay marriage in the state. I gotta say though, I think the wave of conservative politicians and religious right who had recently been outed due to misconduct were probably being vilified for the wrong reasons. Sure they were snakes condemning people in a vile way and sure they were self loathing phony pieces of shit helping to set back like minded people who just want the right to divorce like everyone else. But I think I understand them now. They are only human. More importantly, they are men. They don't want to get married. They are conservatives and remember a time when marriage was between a man and a woman and when you were a permanent bachelor, it meant permanent. Who really wants the party to end? I can see the classic movie scenario of the girl with her arms crossed looking impatiently and sternly at her significant other; "Well are you gonna pop the question?" I cant even imagine being one of those poor bastards looking at a guy who could probably kick the shit out of them giving them a similar look.

Right around this time, I noticed the light had stopped flashing. Had they given up hope for me? Had they exhausted all their efforts into ever finding me alive? Had it really only been 7 minutes?

Like a modern baby Jessica in a well who refused to give in, I pressed that bell again, to assure them to not bother notifying my parents that I had died. I was going to make it! Someday at least. Only this time, I was again asked what the emergency was.

I figured "Human being trapped in a fucking elevator. "would have been good enough the first time.

Luckily seconds after this second attempt I felt the elevator finally moving towards the ground floor. I radioed into him that I was moving.

"Oh yeah, sorry about that. We had that elevator on hold for some reason."

Blub blub blub........

Don't Drop The Hemp Soap

"Dude, there is nothing better than just getting stoned and taking a long fucking shower."

This was one of the more disturbing things I heard over the weekend. I mean, I'm all for a well deserved, warm shower to kick start a cold morning. Hell, I am for cold showers to kick start overdose victims too. Showers are great. You'll hear no argument against them from me. But smoking weed before hand?

My argument against that is quite simple.

1.Doing weed can make me paranoid.
2. When I am naked and in enclosed spaces, I don't want to be paranoid. Naked in an open or public space? I think that's probably a lot better, but if I'm stoned, I'm going to be paranoid. I'd probably end up with people were looking at me, and/or thinking the police were out to get me.
3. That's that.


I also don't want to be thinking, "Shit did I lather and rise already? I really don't want to repeat." Cause I mean, I'd be too stoned, man! Then I'd probably peak out and watch the tv I put on the sink next to my Mountain Dew and rib sandwich. But that's just me.

I didn't want to just shoot down my friend for being a drug addled soap head. That would have been too easy anyway.

I was 20 years old and had what I could best describe as a dilapidated a"party"ment in Mission Hill.It was the year I was living the Mikey Seaver life and lived all of a 5 minute walk away from my parents house, where I'd drop by for free laundry and real life situational comedy (sans Stabone). I had the day off from work and was sitting on beer cans and boxes in my living room with my roommate, who I think was sitting on trash and mice. I had mentioned off hand to him a short time before that if I had decided to smoke weed I'd do it with him. It wasn't really my thing and it made me too paranoid. But it was the beginning of spring and we were going to walk to the Otherside Cafe, so I figured I'd take marijuana and take IN nature. But honestly I think its because we were listening to Black Sabbath and are typical white dorks.

It had probably been a few months since I had last puffed tasty nugs ,bruh, so needless to say I was a bit disoriented but not uncomfortable.

I did have to use the bathroom before we left though.

Our door was hanging on half of a hinge due to the hands and/or feet of some real patient and intelligent person, so you had to kind of lift it back onto its hinge to get it to open and close.

I was sitting and just became deep in thought. My mind was racing because I wasn't used to smoking and preparing myself to answer such questions to myself such as

"Why is a muscle on the side of my neck twitching?"
"Are people going to know I'm high?"
"Do they already know?"

And that's when it hit me.

What it was, took a few seconds to register because I was, all of a sudden, on the ground.

It was the fucking bathroom door.

As I was off in la la land, the door finally decided that it was the best time to finally fall off that half a hinge. It came down and smashed into the crown of my head and brought me tumbling down.

My roommate must have thought Jamie Lee Curtis was in the bathroom because he answered those screams for help mighty fast.

But not before laughing hysterically at me with my pants down trapped underneath a door. The only consolation I have is that the nails we had on the door to hang our towels didn't impale my skull. But looking back on it now, maybe that's the kind of fate I deserved.

"Folks, I'm sorry. Your son didn't make it. But we need you to I.D. the body at the morgue. Hes on the last slab. Yeah, the one with his hemp pants down wearing a tie dye shirt, beads, rasta hat and big white bathroom door with nails hat.Yup, the one with the dopey grin and half shut eyes. Stinkin' of patchouli. What a dope. We even pronounced him a Dope On Arrival."

So with that cautionary tale, I implore you. Be careful in there. Elvis didn't listen to me either.

DFJ Takes The Cake

Interview I did with DFJ, one of my all time favorites.


Exclusive WMF DFJ Interview from WorldMovesFast on Vimeo.

Brass City Trash Chat

Interview I did @ As One Fest in CT towards the end of night 2 with Craig Mack of Living Hell and most important , the man behind As One and CT's mosh stimulus plan. Jay Reason of The Distance, Ivan from Unforgiven/Dead Wrong, and the great Big E From Interviews.

Connecticut Legends Interview from WorldMovesFast on Vimeo.